Icha Icha Yaoi
by Rhosyn Fox
Summary: Jiraiya figures out a way to make even more money to feed his perversions. Watch out male shinobi...it's Icha Icha Yaoi! Crack and OOCness galore. Multiple pairings.
1. OroKab

**Icha Icha Yaoi**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. Masashi Kishimoto owns it. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended and no funds have been acquired for this work. This is an adult themed story and may contain some of the following: violence, swearing, and strong sexual, and/or adult situations.

**SUMMARY: **Jiraiya gets a new idea on how to increase his fan base and it has interesting consequences for our favorite Otokage and his medic. Major OOCness and 100% percent crack fic.

**Volume One**

The entire Sound Village was in titters over it. Some laughed hysterically and some had massive nosebleeds. Others slammed their bedroom doors shut and got off on it. Overall, the fan club, female and male, managed to keep it quiet. They enjoyed it and wanted to keep it as long as possible.

Unfortunately, Orochimaru and Kabuto weren't stupid and they knew something was going on with the shinobi of the Sound Village. Something peculiar that made battle hardened men blush and war tempered women squeal with utter abandon whenever Orochimaru or Kabuto happened to walk by.

It was amusing for a short period. However, Orochimaru, never the most even-tempered of men, quickly became irritated. He vented his anger on Kabuto by smacking the medic upside the head and ordered him to find out what the hell had infected his hidden village. The Sannin left his petulant med nin rubbing the back of his head and went off to relax at a local onsen.

Kabuto stalked around the hidden village grumbling about bossy older men who were too lazy to do any actual work themselves and took his frustrations out by ruthlessly interrogating a few unsuspecting nin. However, much to Kabuto's dismay they proved resilient and resisted torture. Growling to himself, he was not a first class spy for nothing, he henged into a small adorable chibi and pranced around innocently looking for clues.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Sannin anxiously awaited for an opinion.<p>

"Well, what do you think?"

Tsunade, Godaime Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village and also a Legendary Sannin, stuffed tissues up her nose.

"I think he's going to kill you when he finds out."

Jiraiya ignored the commentary and focused on the massive nosebleed she had suffered. Success! He was a genius! He was going to become even more famous and ten times wealthier than he already was! On top of it all, it would irritate his former comrade turned traitor!

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, at a local onsen in the Land of Sound, Orochimaru, the third member of the Legendary Sannin, heaved a sigh and luxuriated in the hot springs. This was the life. He loved being the Otokage. He had power, wealth, and an unlimited amount of people on which to conduct his experiments. All without actually having to run his village because he forced poor Kabuto into doing it all. It was nice having obedient little minions. He frowned briefly. Although, lately everyone was giving the two of them weird looks and "covert" glances. Even the owner of the onsen had done it. It was irksome. The Snake Sannin's ire disappeared as soon as he remembered that he had killed the onsen owner for his temerity. Heaving another happy little sigh, confident that Kabuto would get to the bottom of things; he relaxed and soaked his worries away.<p>

In the Village of Sound Kabuto Yakushi stared aghast at the object in his hands. While it and those like it were not officially banned, it was frowned upon owning one. Of course, if you were caught possessing one it would inevitably lead to your demise. This particular copy not only guaranteed your demise but a few weeks of torture along with it. Still, Kabuto could not look away. Swallowing he let out a little incoherent whimper and slid the object into his pouch. He went to look for more its kind. Just to confiscate them of course. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

The fan club grumbled but when Kabuto threatened to tell the Otokage of their sin they begrudgingly handed their precious objects over. Secretly they plotted how to purchase more. Kabuto took the collection and burned it. Except for one. He kept that one. He didn't know why and if Orochimaru-sama ever found out it didn't bode well for him. But it was like a car crash, he simply couldn't stop staring.

Later that night Orochimaru strolled back to his lair. He had killed three civilians that day for looking at him funny. What was with the people in Sound lately? Where was their fear, their awe for him? Striding to Kabuto's room he slammed the door open.

"Kabuto! I thought I told you to..._what on earth_?"

A very startled Kabuto jumped up four feet into the air, pants undone, with a hand wrapped around his cock. The mortified nin desperately tried to cover himself and hide the object he had been looking at and succeeded in doing neither very well.

A very stunned Sannin simply gaped at Kabuto for a few minutes before tearing his gaze off the boy's crotch and his eyes alighting upon the object. He reached out and picked it up, giving it a cursory glance before turning back to his med nin, who had given up pulling his pants back on and simply covered himself with a sheet, unable to meet the Sannin's eyes.

"I ordered you to find out the cause for the change in behavior with my ninja and you're in here instead wanking off to...to…to… _what the hell is this? Icha Icha!_ What the fuck! You know I hate all of Jiraiya's works, why the hell do you have one!"

Angry, Orochimaru furiously glared down at the poor book. Porn! Kabuto was reading and getting off to porn written by his most hated enemy! The good-for-nothing, lazy, ungrateful...wait...those weren't women on the cover. Those weren't women at all! Those were men! Two men, one with long black hair and it looked like the other one had silver hair and glasses. Almost like Kabuto...

'Oh, no he didn't,' Orochimaru thought incredulously, his eyes widening in shock as he quickly scanned the rest of the book. Unfortunately, each picture eerily resembled Kabuto and him committing unspeakable acts. Flipping to a written page the Snake Sannin read a few lines in abject disbelief. This is why everyone was giving him and Kabuto those _looks_!

He was going to kill Jiraiya. Very, very, very, very slowly. With lots of blood and poison and pain involved. Furious he broke the book's spine in half and turned his golden gaze back to Kabuto.

"You...you...,"

Wait a minute. Orochimaru's gaze went from the broken porn novel to his personal medic. Several times. Kabuto had been masturbating to a yaoi novel, a novel that for all intents and purposes featured the two of them. Understanding flashed in the Sannin's eyes and Kabuto shuddered as he hunched in further. Orochimaru turned and fled...err, walked quickly away from the room, the poor little novel that did nothing wrong still clutched in his hand.

* * *

><p>Kabuto heard his door slam shut and curled up into a little ball rocking back and forth. It wasn't his fault! He hadn't meant to! He only perused a few pages, just to check to make sure that the novel was… uh...authentic. Yeah, that's it! Make sure it was authentic. He hadn't intended on becoming engrossed by it and he hadn't meant to fondle himself while staring at those horrible pictures. He most certainly hadn't meant to daydream about what some of those perverted scenarios would actually feel like. It was the book's fault! It bewitched him! Yeah, that's it! It was all the book's fault. That sneaky, conniving, dastardly book! Kabuto shuddered again and wanted to die. There was no way he could face Orochimaru-sama again.<p>

For his part, Orochimaru was pacing the length of his room trying to wrap his boggled mind around the fact that Kabuto was apparently gay for him and the many ways to kills Jiraiya slowly. It was disgraceful! Unacceptable! No wonder he was losing the fear and respect of his nin and citizens. He was staring in a porn novel! With Kabuto! It was a wonder he hadn't been laughed out of office!

Inarticulate with rage Orochimaru picked up the poor little novel, the book parting to a rather graphic scene between himself and Kabuto. It was ludicrous, that sex position wasn't even possible, and it was horrifying, it was obscene...actually...now that he studied the drawing further; it was well...kinda hot. Did Kabuto really look like that with his hair down? His mind flashed briefly to his unexpected view of Kabuto's privates and intrigued despite himself he flipped to another drawing. This one had him sitting down with Kabuto perched on top, his body arched and his face flushed with pleasure, and...riding him? Glancing around to make sure no one was watching the Sannin flipped back the first page and started to read. Just to see if Jiraiya's writing had improved at all over the years. That was the only reason.

A few hours later Kabuto jumped up four feet into the air again as his door was kicked open and slammed shut. He flinched and braced for the worst beating of his life. So, he was rather surprised when he found himself thrown back onto the bed, his clothes literally ripped off his body, and his master's lips crashing down onto his. The damn book surfaced to Kabuto's mind once more and overcome by pornographic pictures and words he indulged in the sensations heating his blood, his master running eager hands up and down his body.

Orochimaru licked, kissed, and bit his personal assistant, wrapping his hands in a curtain of silver hair as he pulled it free from the confines of the hair tie. He stared down at the flushed and panting man below him and his breath caught. He dove back into the sweetness that was Kabuto's mouth and proceeded to elicit more of those throaty little moans and gasps from him.

Sometime later the Otokage played out his favorite scene and had Kabuto ride him, his hard cock sheathed inside Kabuto's tight little ass. He caressed sweat-slicked skin, his breath coming in harsh gasps as Kabuto impaled himself repeatedly. Each minute stretched by like hours as the two men indulged in carnal pleasure. Orochimaru used his ingenious tongue to stroke Kabuto to orgasm as he jerked the medic's hips down, spilling himself deep inside.

Orochimaru moved Kabuto into his room the very next day and continued to try out every position in Icha Icha. Kabuto complied all too eagerly. The fan club was elated and devoted themselves fanatically to Orochimaru and the Sound Village. In fact, as word spread that the hot bishies in the very first Icha Icha yaoi novel did in fact exist and were real life partners the Land of Sound began to grow at an alarming rate. It soon became the sixth great shinobi country.

* * *

><p>Tsunade beat the ever loving crap out of Jiraiya for unintentionally strengthening the position and status of Konoha's most feared criminal right before she had to leave for an official meeting of the Kages. A meeting hosted by none other than Sound. She had a massive nosebleed when she spotted her former teammate and his partner holding hands and standing indecently close to each other.<p>

Jiraiya made a colossal fortune after he recovered from his beating and opened up a new market in the porn industry. His next book was delayed in coming out on the promised publishing as Orochimaru made it very clear that he and his bitch, err Kabuto, were not to be featured again by plaguing Jiraiya with hordes of hissing snakes whenever he tried to sleep or get down with some pretty lil' thing. Hence, the next volume of Icha Icha Yaoi featured a hot brown haired schoolteacher with a bad temper and an enigmatic masked man.

_To be continued..._


	2. KakIru

**Icha Icha Yaoi**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. Masashi Kishimoto owns it. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended and no funds have been acquired for this work. This is an adult themed story and may contain some of the following: violence, swearing, and strong sexual, and/or adult situations.

**SUMMARY: **Icha Icha Volume One was such a rousing success that the public demanded Volume Two. Never one to disappoint his loyal fans or his wallet Jiraiya went to work! Who better to feature in his latest novel than his most devoted fan?

**Volume Two**

Jiraiya, the highly acclaimed author of the Icha Icha series, puffed up his chest. It was wonderful having adoring fans and especially Kakashi. He was secretly convinced most of Kakashi's earnings went into bankrolling his wealth.

He had needed another star for his latest novel, one that wouldn't get all huffy, and he really wanted those goddamn snakes to leave him alone! You'd think Orochimaru would be honored considering it was his novel that had sparked the relationship between the traitorous ass and his equally traitorous spy! Ungrateful bastard.

Kakashi, on the other hand, was ecstatic that he was staring in an Icha Icha novel. The fact that it was a yaoi novel didn't faze the second biggest pervert in Konoha in the slightest. Unfortunately, the other Konoha nin starring in the second Icha Icha Yaoi novel did not seem to share Kakashi's enthusiasm. Jiraiya wasn't overly concerned. Any backlash the chuunin might deal out had to be easier than dodging his fellow Sannin's ire.

Hatake Kakashi, who was at this moment not doing his genius reputation any good, waved an outrageously neon orange book around happily. "Look," he called out to the novel's second star, "Jiraiya-sama featured us in his latest book! Aren't you proud?"

Jiraiya gleefully ruffled the Copy-nin's messy silver hair. "It was nothing at all! Felt you deserved something special and what could be more special than having you star in one of my books!"

Kakashi beamed at Jiraiya, his one visible eye crinkled up into a smile. The two perverts commiserated with each other completely unaware of the deadly aura building up in the normally sane and balanced chuunin sitting in front of them.

"Although," Kakashi mused aloud, apparently in a suicidal mood, waving his beloved copy of the neon orange book in the chuunin's direction, "I doubt you could actually seduce me in real life. You're too prudish for my tastes and you lack breasts."

Every other jounin in the mission room of sound mind backed up. In fact, several ran for their lives. The others stayed because as much as they knew that things were going to get ugly in a few seconds they could not help wanting to watch the storm that was about to be unleashed.

* * *

><p>Umino Iruka stared aghast at Hatake Kakashi and the horrible neon orange book he waved. His faced turned several shades darker and the scar across his nose grew paler. He wasn't altogether sure what infuriated him more. The fact that he was now starring in a porn novel, Kami help him, or the fact that Hatake Kakashi seemed to think that starring in said porn novel was the only good use Iruka had!<p>

That was it; Iruka had had it with Hatake's disrespect, insults, and sneers. He might be just a chuunin, and Hatake his superior, but enough was enough! Hatake had never gotten over being called out by Iruka at the chuunin exams years ago and had set out to make Iruka's life as miserable as possible since then.

Fury welled up inside him, his body literally shaking with the force of it. Enough! No more! He was going to take Hatake Kakashi down a peg or two. Hell, all the pegs! He was going publicly humiliate and humble that arrogant jounin (so what if he had been an ANBU member and most shinobi walked softly where he trod) if it was the last thing he did!

The poor chuunin snapped. His aura swelled ominously and the other jounin who had stayed to see Iruka explode fled, no longer wanting to see death incarnate. It was just Iruka, Kakashi, and Jiraiya.

Jiraiya felt a chill enter his bones. Looking around, he realized that everyone had deserted the mission room and an incredible miasma was emanating from the chuunin in front of him. The Sannin studied the seemingly simple man and decided that perhaps it would be best if he took a trip to Wind Country. He hadn't been there in a while and he was sure his fans in Sand needed their books signed as well. No one's fool, Jiraiya clapped Kakashi on the shoulder and beamed down at the academy sensei. "Thanks for being such a sport...uh...,"

The dark skinned man's eyes turned into chocolate icicles and his voice was deadly soft. "Iruka-sensei."

Jiraiya backpedaled. "Yes! Of course! Naruto talks about you all the time. A second father you are to him! Iruka-sensei! A good man and you're being such a sport!" Jiraiya laughed raucously praying to all hell he would live to see Tsunade's boobs again. He turned and ran, calling out behind him. "I'll send you a signed special edition copy!"

Iruka watched the Sannin flee for his life. Perhaps the man wasn't a fool after all. The rage continued to build inside him. Iruka stood carefully rearranging the papers and scrolls on his desk. A porn star! How was he going to face his students when he saw them next?

He faced the blinking jounin. He was going to make Hatake pay dearly for everything and he was going to do it methodically without letting the perverted jounin have the satisfaction of seeing him lose his temper ever again.

Iruka eyed the neon orange book balefully, making the poor novel quail under his gaze, before bringing his attention back to his nemesis. He nodded coldly, "Hatake-san, this means war."

Iruka ignored the splutters behind him and calmly walked out of the mission room. Oh yes, Hatake Kakashi was going to pay.

* * *

><p>Kakashi Hatake was lauded as a genius and he was...with a kunai. In social situations involving one chuunin academy sensei he was a moron. In Kakashi's mind, he hadn't really done anything wrong to Iruka. Occasionally reminding the sensei of his place in the pecking order was only right and natural, especially after the chuunin teacher had taken him to task over entering Team 7 into the Chuunin Exams. Except that his original indignation over that incident passed fairly quickly and he now tormented the chuunin simply because it was amusing.<p>

He had been certain Iruka Umino would have an apoplexy when he saw Jiraiya's new novel. All had been going well. Iruka's face had flushed and he had looked ready to blow his top, something Kakashi was eagerly anticipating. Only he hadn't. Instead Iruka had confronted him with an icy calmness and had simply walked out on him. No tantrums, no bellowing about how perverted he was, and no dodging shuriken or mission scrolls. Iruka had simply told him calmly that war was impending and walked out on him.

Walked. Out. On. Him.

Kakashi wasn't sure why he was so miffed. It wasn't like Iruka had never walked away from one their encounters before. But not like this, this was something different. He wasn't Konoha's best shinobi for nothing. He was going to get Iruka Umino to blow his top over the latest Icha Icha novel if it was the last thing he did!

* * *

><p>Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but in the following weeks Umino Iruka came damn close. It started with the itching powder he had replaced Hatake's laundry detergent with. That incident lasted almost a week before Kakashi realized that washing his clothes was only making the deranged itching even worse. So he stopped washing his clothes and walked around the village wafting fumes no living creature should have to smell. The assault on the villager's noses only ended when Tsunade finally threw Kakashi into a river with a bar of soap, ordering him to clean himself as she couldn't take the stench any longer.<p>

Kakashi was pretty sure it was Iruka's fault his clothes itched madly every time he got dressed so he retaliated and regaled any villager he could with the story of how he had managed to get Umino Iruka, the village's most respected academy teacher, to streak through the academy's lunchroom naked. It was a blatant lie but the next day there was a mob of angry parents crowding Iruka's classroom.

Iruka placated the mob and that night plastered pictures of the famous Copy Ninja in a frilly pink tutu all over the village. The villager's laughed themselves hysterical. Kakashi confronted the chuunin the next morning, waded pictures of him in the ballerina's outfit clenched in his fists.

Iruka simply looked at the jounin with cold eyes and shrugged. "I told you this was war, Hatake." Pivoting on his foot, Iruka walked away again.

Kakashi's single visible eye narrowed. No one walked away from him! Iruka was going to pay! Not to be outdone, Kakashi plastered pictures of a particularly naughty scene from Icha Icha Volume Two all over the village: the mission room, the Academy teacher's lounge, the Hokage Tower, and every bar Kakashi could find.

Iruka walked into the mission room the next day and almost died of mortification. Giant posters of him sprawled shamelessly on a red divan, legs spread open, with his hands chained to the divan, and his body covered in love bites covered the mission room walls.

Iruka heard tittering in the background and glared on the crowd of shinobi watching his every move. They wisely shut the hell and backed away a few steps. Iruka silently counted to ten, trying to calm the raging inferno inside. He walked up to the nearest poster, intending to rip it from the wall, but his hand halted in the process.

There were little chibi Kakashis covering the poster and each one was happily insulting Iruka's ability in the bedroom. One even outright said the Iruka lacked the necessary equipment to have sex! Iruka simply stared in disbelief at the posters.

Kakashi, meanwhile, had been informed that Iruka was in the mission room, and went to watch the chuunin blow his top. He felt relieved and immensely gratified when Iruka's face turned tomato red and swelled to dangerous proportions. He almost screamed in frustration when Iruka took a deep breath to calm down and walked away.

Kakashi followed the chuunin, silently fuming that Iruka had yet to lose his temper, and watched the sensei pull down and burn every single poster he found. After burning all the posters, Iruka did the unexpected and walked into the local porn store.

Kakashi was so surprised at this astonishing turn of events that he tripped over a curb and landed right in the middle of the street, covered head to toe in dust. Stupefied, he stayed in the middle of the street covered in dust, wondering, what in all that was holy was Umino Iruka, the most prudish Academy teacher to have ever walked the streets of Konoha, doing in a porn shop? Maybe he had teased the chuunin too much and accidentally broken his brain? Although, picturing Iruka inside the porn shop did wondrous things to Kakashi's libido.

* * *

><p>Kakashi was at the memorial stone the next morning as usual, telling Obito about how Iruka had willingly gone into a porn shop and had come out with his hands full of bags and how it had turned Kakashi on so much that the jounin had creamed his pants.<p>

Kakashi left the memorial stone and wandered into town, still musing over his surprising attraction to the sensei. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice the trap until he was hanging upside down and all the blood that had been rushing to his groin now rushed to his head.

Spinning in a circle he caught sight of one Umino Iruka and swallowed audibly at the expression on the chuunin's face. Then he saw the outfit. Dark brown leather pants that were so tight they must have been painted on clung to Iruka's thighs and calves, and a scandalous see through mesh shirt showed off Iruka's dusky nipples. The sensei's hair hung unbound, framing his face, and he had a black leather flogger in one hand. Kakashi's temperature skyrocketed.

Iruka circled him, staring at him as if he was a piece of meat. Then the chuunin leaned in close to Kakashi's ear, his breath hot. "Sexless, am I? A stuck-up dickless prude who wouldn't know pleasure if it bit him on the ass, hmm? Before I'm done with you, you'll be begging to be my bitch in front of the entire town."

All the blood that had rushed down to Kakashi's face now raced back up as Kakashi's cock, defying the laws of gravity, decided to stick straight up and wag happily at the Academy sensei. Iruka's face leaned away and Kakashi caught the insane gleam in the chuunin's eyes.

Kakashi spent the rest of the day hanging upside down as Iruka, the most prudish man Kakashi had ever met, sexually tormented him in front of the entire village. His cock retained its position that Iruka was the sexiest thing on two legs and continued to defy gravity. Iruka had cut Kakashi's pants off with a kunai and proceeded to flog and then paddle his ass, leaving it bright cherry red, talking dirty the entire time! At one point, the chuunin even opened Kakashi's beloved Icha Icha book and read an entire chapter aloud while giving Kakashi the best hand job in his life. Kakashi moaned, panted, and begged for release.

Iruka laughed, his voice low and husky, leaned in close and whispered into Kakashi's ear. "If you ever want to have sex again you will give me a public apology and then beg me on your knees to cum. If you don't, I will castrate you and not a single person in this village will lift a finger to help you."

Iruka made it perfectly obvious that no one was to cut the jounin down on pain of death, so Kakashi hung by his feet, ass bared for the entire night, until at some point Tsunade finally took pity on him and cut the poor jounin down.

Kakashi landed on the street in a boneless heap as his blood finally left his cock and let his other body parts have some oxygen. His head lolled in Tsunade's direction. "I'm in love."

Tsunade snorted and walked away muttering about perverts taking over her village.

* * *

><p>Kakashi appeared in the mission room the next day. He ignored the snickers and stares he was receiving, pulled out his Icha Icha, flipped to chapter three, shoved it under Iruka's smug face and leaned in close to the chuunin. "I take back everything I've ever said to you Iruka. You are a sex god, now please fuck me."<p>

Iruka glanced down at the book, his eyes scanning over the first few paragraphs, and shrugged. "I'll think about it."

Kakashi smiled happily and followed Iruka everywhere he went that day, making sure everyone heard him say, "I take back everything I've ever said to you Iruka. You are a sex god, now please fuck me."

When the two reached Iruka's apartment that evening Iruka turned to Kakashi and lifted an expectant brow. Kakashi dropped to his knees, giving the most eloquent apology of his life, and then shamelessly begged Iruka to let him cum.

Iruka smirked, opened his door, and motioned the jounin inside.

Kakashi walked funny the next day and every day that week. His colleagues and cohorts laughed themselves silly and the entire village shook its head over how whipped The Copycat Ninja was. Kakashi didn't mind as he was having the best sex of his life plus breakfast every morning. Plus, he knew it was only a matter of time before Iruka gave in and let Kakashi fuck him into the mattress.

Kakashi was right and a few months later it was Iruka walking funny as the two of them went to go buy a brand new bed frame together with Iruka muttering under his breath about damn perverted jounin ruining his furniture and smearing almond oil everywhere.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Jiraiya was making his way towards Sunagakure. He stopped at every village along the way autographing books and causing general mayhem and kinkiness wherever he roamed.<p>

_To be continued…_


End file.
